[Verse 1]
Welcome to the internet! Have a look around
Anything that brain of yours can think of can be found
We've got mountains of content—some better, some worse
If none of it's of interest to you, you'd be the first

[Verse 2]
Welcome to the internet! Come and take a seat
Would you like to see the news or any famous women's feet?
There's no need to panic; this isn't a test, haha
Just nod or shake your head, and we'll do the rest

[Verse 3]
Welcome to thе internet! What would you prefеr?
Would you like to fight for civil rights or tweet a racial slur?
Be happy! Be horny! Be bursting with rage!
We've got a million different ways to engage

[Verse 4]
Welcome to the internet! Put your cares aside
Here's a tip for straining pasta; here's a nine-year-old who died
We've got movies and doctors and fantasy sports
And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings of all the different characters in Harry Potter *** each other

[Verse 5]
Welcome to the internet! Hold on to your socks
'Cause a random guy just kindly sent you photos of his cock
They are grainy and off-putting; he just sent you more
Don't act surprised—you know you like it, you ***

[Verse 6]
See a man beheaded, get offended, see a shrink
Show us pictures of your children, tell us every thought you think
Start a rumor, buy a broomer, send a death threat to a boomer
Or *** a girl and groom her; do a zoomer find a tumor in your—
Here's a healthy breakfast option, you should kill your mom
Here's why women never *** you; here's how you can build a bomb
Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz
Obama sent the immigrants to vaccinate your kids

[Chorus]
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything all of the time
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything all of the time

[Spoken Interlude]
You know, it wasn't always like this

[Bridge]
Not very long ago, just before your time
Right before the towers fell, circa '99
This was catalogs, travel blogs, a chatroom or two
We set our sights and spent our nights waiting for you!
You, insatiable you
Mommy let you use her iPad; you were barely two
And it did all the things we designed it to do
Now, look at you! Oh, look at you!
You, you! Unstoppable, watchable
Your time is now, your inside's out, honey, how you grew
And if we stick together, who knows what we'll do?
It was always the plan to put the world in your hand

[Break]
(Laughs)

[Chorus]
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything all of the time
Could I interest you in everything all of the time?
A little bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime
Anything and everything and anything and everything
And anything and everything and
All of the time