Just bought a new cell phone, bought a new cell phone,
which means a new version should be released very shortly.
I never time it right.
Whenever I buy a phone, the next week, people are like,
oh, yeah, they released a new version.
The one you bought is now free.
And these phones are not cheap.
We've become numb to the price of these cell phones.
Well, that's how much I spent on my engagement ring.
Well, then again, I don't look at that on the toilet.
Do I?
We're such suckers.
They overcharge us for the phone,
and then they upsell us on all the accessories.
Like that new phone you just bought, you got a case for it?
It doesn't come with a case.
I got one right here, $5,000.
You got insurance for a phone?
All you need is insurance.
God forbid something happens to your pretty new phone.
What would happen?
I'd smack it out of your hands.
There's pressure to get a new phone, right?
There's that manufactured old phone shame.
We've all been there.
You're like, I got the iPhone 7.
What a loser.
Where'd you get that?
The Smithsonian?
Does the camera on that phone use film?
That's the only thing they improve on the phone,
is the camera, right?
Then they try and convince us we need the new phone.
They're like, oh, this new phone's unbelievable.
It's got four lenses, 5 million megapixels.
You can shoot a feature film.
I just need to text my wife.
We should do a movie about that.
The cameras on our phones are so advanced,
it's gotten to the point where when you see someone
with a regular camera, just a camera,
they look so out of place.
Is that guy part of a Civil War reenactment?
The value of a photo has changed, too.
I get emails.
I get emails from my kids' schools.
They're like, would you like to order
your child's school portrait?
I'm like, delete.
The last thing any parent needs
is more photos of their children.
Schools should just offer,
hey, we'll come over and delete half your photos.
I'd pay for that.
Because that's what we use our phones for,
for photos, emails, directions,
anything but talking.
When my phone rings, I'm like,
well, that's obviously not for me.
I don't talk on my phone.
Growing up, there was a commercial
where people would just call and say I love you.
Can you imagine if that happened today?
I just wanted to call and say I love you.
What are you, suicidal?
Don't call me and say weird * like that.
Text me and ask if I can chat.
But the worst are the people
that try to FaceTime you.
They try to FaceTime you.
They try to get you out of the blue.
I feel like they're breaking in your house.
Ah!
What do I do?
I haven't showered yet!
All right, you guys have been a delight.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
I really had a great time.
Thank you so much.